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A young woman, who had just lost her newborn child, went to visit her best friend who had just gave birth to a healthy baby boy. She walked past by a tree that grew by the public road. She saw that the tree bore a single fruit. She knew the fruit was sweet; she had tasted a fruit from this tree before. "I'll pick the fruit on my way home," she thought.

She arrived at her friend's house. When she looked at the newborn child, her love to the child flourished, but at the same time, her heart felt empty. Her heart is a universe of emptiness. Then it was time to pray and she asked the permission from her host to pray in one of the rooms. After praying, she felt quite tired and dozed off.

She had a dream. She dreamt that a bird flew and perched on the branch of the tree that grew by the public road. The bird loved the tree for it provided shelter and food for the bird. The tree also loved the bird. In her dream, she could feel that the love of the tree to the bird was so intense hence she woke up with the same feeling in her heart. Quite startled by her dream, she asked her host for permission to leave.

When she past by the tree that grew by the public road which bore a single fruit, she saw the fruit was still hanging on the tree but already half-eaten and ruined. She was very disappointed. She sat down and put her back to the tree. Suddenly she remembered her dream. She smiled. She knew that a bird had eaten the fruit. She knew the tree loved the bird so much that it wanted the bird to eat the fruit. "The bird will carry the seed of this tree to a place far away," the woman thought, "There; a tree will grow and bear sweet fruits. People in that place will enjoy the fruits as much as I do." She continued her walk home. Her universe of emptiness was somehow filled.

A boy, on his way home, was stopped by a sheep.

"Your eyes reminded me of the cherries I once ate. I felt so happy after I had those cherries," said the sheep. "You must have eaten coffee cherries," murmured the boy, annoyed. "Will you take me home?" the sheep asked, "my wool will be of good use to you". "I have no need for your wool," the boy said without looking at the sheep. "Then, you can keep me as a pet, I will keep you company when you are lonely," pleaded the sheep. "A sheep as a pet? I don't think that is a good idea. Besides, I already have a cat. She keeps me company, and in exchange, I give her warm milk everyday," the boy said scornfully. "But you can still be my master without taking me home with you," said the sheep softly as if it was thinking to itself. "And how can that be done?" the boy asked.

"You can tether me with that long rope of yours to the tree by the brook down yonder. The rope will be long enough for me to drink water from the brook and graze this wide field. When people see me, they will know that I belong to someone, and when my movement is restricted by the rope, I will think of you, and feel happy that I have a master. I may not be free to roam the world as I used to, but I will feel content with the food and water that I have in remembrance of you," answered the sheep. The boy, angry at the sheep and eager to get home, quickly tethered the sheep and went on his way.

3 days later the boy came to see the sheep, "I need your wool," he said. "But the other day, you said you have no need of my wool, why do you need it now?" the sheep asked. "I need your wool but I can't tell you the reason, but it is all right if you don't want to give your wool to me," said the boy. "You are now my master, I am happy to do anything in my power to provide you your needs and give you happiness," the sheep let the boy sheared its wool. After taking the wool, the boy went home and never came again to see the tethered sheep.

Months passed by and drought came. The brook dried and the grass died. The sheep no longer had its food and water. Tethered to the tree, the sheep died in remembrance of the boy.

I feel the need write about this topic after I read Me and Mr. Bing. Actually I want to write this as a comment, but since my comment is a long one I think it would not be appropriate. Thus, I make this comment as an entry in my blog.

When I was in the second year at the university, I practically lived alone. My roommate is a pilot, and having a pilot as a roommate was like having no roommate at all (sorry Norm, I couldn't help it, sometimes I felt that way). My other two housemates, on the other hand, spent most of their time with their girlfriends. Therefore, I always had the house to myself and the moment I spent alone at home was amazingly great. Although I have to admit that at that time Bibuk had already found me, I felt pretty much alone sharing a house with a useless heap of fur.

Living alone was great. I could do whatever I wanted to do and cleaned the house the way I liked it. I think the reason I never really asked my fellow housemates to help me with cleaning was because I like to do everything in my own way. Thus having other people doing the chores made me feel uncomfortable. Phew…it's hard for me to confess that!

But living alone also means going out to lunch and dinner alone. Well, at that time I didn't mind. My state of mind back then was eating alone was way much better than eating with someone while arguing or finishing a good meal with a sour face as a dessert. And the car door won't be slammed either. I don't like crowded places, so I as much as I can, I will avoid crowded restaurant. The thing with crowded restaurant and eating alone is you have no way to reserve the table. But back then, I didn't go out to eat so often because I cooked my own meal.

As for movies, I haven't been to cinema for ages. If I'm not mistaken the last movie I saw was 'Power-Puff Girls'. I'm just not in the mood for movies at that time, until recently I was in a dire need to see 'Big Fish', 'Cold Mountain' and that Sean Penn movie which I can't remember the title. Alas I'm in Alor Setar now. This is not a good place for a movie. Some of the movies didn't even make it here. So, I'm in no mood for movies again.

Evaluating myself, I find all my hobbies do not involve people. I love reading and reading gives the most pleasure when I'm alone. I love to browse leisurely for hours in the book store and most of my friends can't stand it, so I tried not to drag a friend with me to my book store browsing marathon unless I really had to, that is to say when I wanted to go to a book store which I couldn't drive my way there since I would surely get lost (sorry again, Norm). The only sport I like is swimming and this activity doesn't require me to have interaction with people. These show that I like to be alone.

But being alone has its disadvantages. There were times when I feel the need to talk. Living alone made me had no one to talk to. I tried to consult Bibuk but she slept most of the time. So I called my friends and my telephone bills were sky-high. I was also sometimes waiting for my phone to ring, that was a clear indication of a lonely person. Sigh…I do like to live alone but I get lonely sometimes. But it's okay. Being alone is way much better than me being angry and sad all the time. Being alone, things will not be thrown, and I won't upset people who I truly care about.

"I guess I'd like to be alone,
Nothing's broken, nothing's thrown."
_{Suzanne Vega, Luka}

Do you believe in love after marriage? Well, I'm not sure, but to see it in a different view, it is the same as having sex with a stranger. Except that the stranger will stay with you for the rest of your life, hopefully. And then, he or she will no longer be a stranger and maybe love will flourish, maybe not.

Marriage in actuality is not just about love. Love plays its part, but responsibilities have a bigger role. In marriage, responsibilities are the utmost priority. But when you're in love, you don't always need to be responsible. I think that is why some couples from arranged marriage survived the trial of time and stay married for so long. They understand their roles in a marriage and the rights that they have to each other. But do they love each other? Do they get that sudden feeling of my-heart-fall-on-the-floor-when-I-see-you? I don't know. I never meet a couple from an arranged marriage before.

Yesterday, a friend of my mom, Cikgu Chik came. She has a problem. Her daughter, who is a teacher, is transferring to Pahang, where she will be nearer to her boyfriend. Cikgu Chik doesn't like this and she wants her daughter to be married to her boyfriend as soon as possible. But, her daughter doesn't want to be married unless her older sister marries first. The sister doesn't have a boyfriend. Luckily, the older sister is such an angel that she allowed her mom to find a husband for her, so that the little sister can marry and mom will stop worrying. From what I heard, any man who is financially stable and physically and mentally healthy will do for her husband. GOD, I can't believe that. If I were the older sister, I would go like,"If you want to marry you god-damn boyfriend, go ahead, don't force me into marriage as well, and stop worrying mom!" Alas, I don't have a little sister ;p

When Cikgu Chik went home, I had this conversation with mom:

Mom: Sigh, you brother already has a girlfriend, if not I can recommend him to Cikgu Chik, she's such a nice lady.
Me: (Jokingly) Why don't you recommend me instead?
Mom: You want to further your studies…
Me: Mom, even if I further my studies, I'll be considered as working. I can take her along with me to Oz. (still in the mood for jokes)
Mom: (Silence for a while) But she's doing her KPLI. She can't follow you there. If you want to marry just tell me, I know some friends...(so on and so forth)…if you go to Oz, don't do bad things...(so on and so forth).

I can't believe my mom said that. This means that I can get married NOW if I want to. But my joke had turned out to be something really not funny. GOD. I'm lucky that no one ever asked me when I will marry, since people see that I'm not working. May it always be that way for a while, and I should think before I speak so as not to give any chances for others to bring the matter up. I know some of my friends whose parents are urging and asking them to marry soon. Thinking of that, I FEEL SO LUCKY…at least for this while ;p

My blog need a new direction, it needs to be more focus. What this blog need is a new distinctive style to differentiate it from other blogs. This blog is so full of rambling and complains and sadness and maybe it is too pretentious. The template is ok, I guess, but the content sucks. Am I talking about the blog or myself? Hmm...

The trip to Shah Alam tomorrow is postpone. My cousin did give me some hints that she wanted me to go there, if possible, RIGHT NOW. Actually she wanted her mom to be near her now. I guess she's nervous about having her first baby. My auntie is not well, so she needs my mom to look after the new-born. The plan is, me, my mom and auntie will go there when my cousin is admitted to the hospital. Then after a week all of us will come back to Alor Setar.

But my cousin wants her mom to be there earlier, then we have to stay in Shah Alam for more than one week. I didn't know that my cousin wanted us to go earlier until I heard that my auntie wanted to go by bus and after a few SMS from my cousins with questions like:

1. Are you busy now? What are you doing?
2. When will your sister go to Seremban? Is she driving there?
Then I told her that, after all I must go to Shah Alam to settle a few things, she asked:
3. When are you coming to settle that few things of yours?

I figured out that she wanted me to drive her mom there, NOW. I also heard from my mom that my cousin's husband doesn't want his mother-in-law to travel alone. Then all the hints became clear to me.

The truth is people, even some of my relatives, are afraid of me. I'm the moody type in the family and they want to burden me the least. But my cousin is like my own sister and I owed so much to her. Her mom is my most favouritest auntie ever. Why can't they just said, "abHan, you're doing nothing now, let's go to Shah Alam, but you have to stay there for more than one week."? Wouldn't it be easier if they just asked me?

My cousin was supposed to be admitted today but the doctor told her to come again next week. Thus the trip tomorrow is postponed. Then I got those SMS from my cousin. Hmm...I'm calling my auntie tomorrow.

pkry, that's why you're so cool, you're not afraid of me ;p

My life is undergoing a major change right now. I figure that my blog also need a change. After reading the success of 2 UiTM students who reached the peak of Mount Everest, the urge to climb every mountain that is within my reach is boiling inside me. They say that if you make a goal, make a realistic one. And I'm sure the peaks of the mountains that I wanted so much to reach can be climbed.

Some people said that I'm a dreamer when I explained to them what I wanted to achieve. Some people just laughed straight at my face. Thus, I decided not to reveal the nature of things that I wanted to do.

All I can say is my life undergoing a major change and I hope the changes are for the better. To all my friends that have been very supportive, especially Norman (you'll hear less of my whining after this ;p), Fairuz (keep on blogging, I love your small world of thoughts), and pkry (je vous aime, you've thought me so much), I thank you all.

I'm going to Shah Alam tomorrow to visit my cousin who is giving birth to her first child, so there might not be any entry for at least a week. But keep on checking, I might give a cyber-cafe in Shah Alam a blogging visit.

Since my story got rejected it doesn't mean that it will never get publish. I still can publish it, nowadays, self-publishing is as cheap as nothing...LOL...I can still publish it in a blog...LOL

Here is my story

I know my English is not that good. I was not an A student in English when I was in high-school, like those who scored like hell in 1119 (ni dengki la ni...heheh). But I believe in good ideas, and a good idea will surpass the barriers of language and presentation.

When I read back my story, I know now that it doesn't follow a story format, thus it may not be a story at all. I don't know, I just wrote. And the idea behind the story is not that good. When I come to think of it, if the story were written by someone else and I read it, the story would surely not touch my feelings and I will forget it the moment I read the last sentence. Inilah yang dinamakan syok sendiri...LOL ;-)

Today I got a rejection email from a writing competition that I entered. I should have known. How can a karangan budak sekolah (budak sekolah writes better than me!) even going to be shorlisted?

If something is going to happen to my TPM application; I rather not say what that something is; they are not going to send me a letter of the bad news. And I shall wait and wait without realizing the worst has come. The postman does not come. It?s already the middle of May. Soon enough May will end.

Thinking of that, I went out to buy Sheila Majid's self-titled album, a two-CD compilation for the price of one - so the sticker on the album said. There are songs from her first album which are not available in CD format before. The whole of "Lagenda" album is on the compilation with the exception of the song "Manusia". I think the album is really a value for money and definitely a collector?s item. Hmm?value for money, I never really care about money lately. I?m old and I?m broke. And I don't care, I REALLY don't.

Listening to "Di Manakan Ku Cari Ganti" makes me want to cry and die at the same time. And I wonder what Bahrain is like. The weather, people and so on and so forth.

Today is not a good day.

I'm writing this entry with both my palms greasy from antifungal cream and an expired Dettol cream. The Dettol cream was a mistake actually, hmm...it smells like Bibuk's shampoo. I thought it was the antifungal cream. Before I went to bed last night, tiny little white dots started to appear on my palms, but I didn't feel itchy or uncomfortable. I hope in the morning the dots will disappear.

But they don't. I woke up this morning the dots multiplied. And there's no one on YM and MSN. Opened up the newspaper and OH MY GOD! It's Mokhriss. They interviewed him for an article about young pilots. Tried to call Norman, but a lady answered the phone. That dreaded lady who speaks like a robot though I have to admit she tried so hard to be friendly.

The rest of the day, I went into the realm of Hans Christian, my best friend from childhood who loved to preach, and preach…and preach. Tired of his preaching, I ate, and ate…and ate. Called Norman again, he answered in a sleepy voice. OH MY GOD! Why do I always call him when he sleeps? Sorry Norm!

Maybe I need to go to the clinic tomorrow…

"Tetap dunia gelap tanpamu..."

_{Begitulah Cinta, Sheila Majid & Harvey Malaiholo}

Mom bought a clockwork mouse for Bibuk. Bibuk just got crazy over her toy, I couldn't believe that she even sat on the mouse. I never thought that cats would crushed their preys by sitting on them.

When I first brought Bibuk home I was afraid that mom and sis wouldn't approve. They didn't like cats. But now, everybody seems to love Bibuk, and everybody talks to Bibuk. Even the cleaning lady, Auntie Suzy, talked to Bibuk the other day. I was in front of the PC when I heard she spoke to someone while she was dusting the living room. I looked but there was no one there except her. But under the sofa there was Bibuk and Auntie Suzy was actually talking to Bibuk! Funny...

I don't know how Bibuk makes everybody loves her, even those who really dislike cats in the first place. She sleeps all the time !

Another dream. In a big house. Supposed to play a game, kinda like an obstacle course. The house was empty, no furniture, no nothing. Dusty, cobweb. At the end of the room, another door. Opened. Another empty room. Dusty. Stairs, going up, going down." What kind of obstacle course is this? There are no obstacles". None. Empty. Bruce Willis. Yes, Bruce Willis. Also playing the game. Bruce got hungry and went to another room. Came back with a bowl of Mee Bandung. Bruce Willis ate Mee Bandung.

Going up/down the stairs to another room. Another empty room. Catherine Zeta-Jones talking in front of a mirror. But her image was not doing what she was doing. The image was saying words that were not hers.

Woke up feeling tired...maybe I should start another blog. My dream blog. I dreamt a lot lately.

Pak Abbas gives me a gift. It is a copy of Sura Yassin. Although I appreciate it so much I can't help but to feel a little bit weird to receive such a gift. Maybe it is a sign. Is it somekind of sign?

This is not the first time I get a copy of Sura Yassin as a gift. When I was studying for my diploma, a friend gave me one as a birthday present. Then, during a class party, we were supposed to exchange gift with a classmate whose name we picked randomly from a bowl. Guess what I get? A Sura Yassin, of course.

Pak Abbas has taken the trouble to underline the phrases which when I read, I suppose to pray for what I wish for.

Hmm…macam-macam terjadi.

By the way, people used to describe me as macam-macam. What does that supposed to mean? I used to hear people exclaimed, "Kau ni…macam-macam". Once, I bought some incense and put it in my bag. A friend discovered it and asked why I kept such a thing, for what purpose. At that time, aroma therapy is not the 'in' thing yet. Well, the reason I bought it because I was walking past by an Indian shop, saw the incense and remembered how my grandma used to burn incense in my house from time to time when I was a child. That's why I bought the incense…and my friend said, "Kau ni…macam-macam." What does that supposed to mean?

Pak Abbas

I drive to the grocery shop which is less than a hundred meter away from my house to buy instant coffee. And most of the trip is done by driving backward. It will be easier to drive back home. I drive backward to the store, I drive forward home.

I meet Pak Abbas. Pak Abbas is the husband of my auntie's husband's sister. He got stroke several years back and he uses walking stick to walk. And he walks slowly. He asks me when I'm going to Australia. I say I'm hoping to go this July. I hope. Maybe. Then I leave him because I need to buy instant coffee fast. I need to do everything fast.

I leave the store. I meet Pak Abbas, again, at the entrance. Pak Abbas walks slowly, very. He says, read Yassin a lot and pray. Pray.

Nothing equals nothing

"Why should I feel sad
For what I never had
Nothing equals nothing"
-Gone, M. Ciccone

I feel sad.

Dream

I had a dream. In my dream, I was looking at my feet, thinking of the soil that I was standing on. I thought, " I've waited so long to step on this soil, and now I'm standing here." When I woke up, the morning sun already crept into my room. So I guess that dream doesn't really have any meaning. It was just a dream of dream - a manifestation of my hope.

Call me superstitious if you want , but I do believe in dreams - dreams that make you wake up in the middle of the night. Once, I dreamt that I went to Langkawi with my family, but when we arrived I realized I should be attending an interview. Panick-striken, I tried to go home, but the last ferry already left. I woke up feeling scared and it was still night. At that time, I was supposed to go to Langkawi with my family for a wedding, thus I decided not to go. Later, I got a letter for an interview. The interview was on the same day as the wedding!

Tasteless Banana Oat Cake

OMG, the cake is tasteless...aren't cakes suppossed to be sweet? So much for using a low cholesterol low sugar recipe! Never thought it would be that tasteless. No worries, enjoying the process is important, not the outcome.

Hmm...a chef in the making...;-)

Banana Oat Cake

I baked a cake today. A banana oat cake. I just love baking cause it don't require much mental concentration, just follow the recipe and voila, you'll have a hot cake fresh from the oven. If you love the process, the outcome won't matter much to you. So, I don't care if my cake is charcoal black. I ran out of flour when I was making the cake, had to make a quick run to nearest store, when I bumped into a neighbour. And she talked and talked and talked. Out of all days, why do I have to meet her when I was in a baking frenzy?

Civilized?

I need an International Reply coupon (IRC). I went to the post office yesterday but they have none, they'd sent all the IRC back to KL. I just can't believe it. I thought this is a bandaraya.

There's a poster near Jalan Stadium in Alor Setar with a slogan "Alor Setar Bandaraya Bertamadun". A direct translation would be "Alor Setar the Civilized City". What does that suppose to mean? Are the people here not civilized before this small town become a so called city? For all I know, a society is a civilized society once the people knew how to make fire. In this so called city, I can't even buy a replacement cartridge for my printer. A regular reply when I asked for the cartridge at a computer store in Alor Setar is " Oh...we have to order first lah!"

Hmm...I love Alor Setar!

IELTS Result & Sheila Majid

Got my IELTS result today. Thank God I got higher than 6.5. Another wish comes true. Alhamdulillah...

And yes, Sheila Majid's most anticipated Indonesian album is finally here! Can say that she doesn't disappoint me yet. At the book store just now, I was thinking of buying a book titled Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl before I decided to visit the Cd store. When I saw Sheila's new cassette I straightaway asked for the Cd, alas the salesgirl said it was out of stock. Salesgirls like to say that, it somehow makes their life easier.

There was this one time I asked a salesgirl at CD-Rama whether they have Feels Like Home by Norah Jones. Without even searching for the Cd, she quickly said that it was out of stock. I bet she didn't even know who Norah Jones is. When I was going out the store another salesgirl came running towards me and said that they do have Norah Jones' Cd. I mean, it would be quite illogical for a store like CD-Rama not to sell a top-selling album in the U.S.

Anyway, I have Sheila's new album now, I bought it at Speedy. It is currently playing in my Cd player, and will stay in there for a long long time.

Dolphin Dream

When I was a child, my Mom brought home a fiction book about a dolphin from the library. I loved the pictures in the book and tried to draw one that I was really fond of. The picture showed two dolphins swimming circling one another and one dolphin is drawn from the above view. I found it difficult to draw the dolphin's fin from that view. My mom was busy, thus she couldn't help me with my drawing. I was really upset. But one day after school, I came home to find a very beautiful water-coloured painting of a dolphin with a note from my Mom telling me to be a good child. My Mom really knows how to show love. Hmm...I feel quite melancholy when I think of that moment.

Life is a Story

A story is always in the form of a journey. A hero faces an unlikely changes or adversities in his or her home, and has to undertake a journey, spiritually or physically, thus having extraordinary experiences. After the journey, the hero comes home a different person and embraces the differences at home and learn valuable lessons. Take any story you like, it will always be in the same journey format.

I used to think, why stories have to be like that? Stories always tell about something interesting, i.e the amazing journey the main character took. Would anybody read a book or see a movie if it is made about my simple small monotonous everyday life? But since I started blogging, I realize that my life is not that dull. I realize that I also have some extraordinary experiences. Now I think everyday is an interesting journey that welcomes changes for something better. Even my trip to the laundry yesterday seems very meaningful. ;-)

My life is a story, my life is a journey...

Gosh, I'm so sleepy but I don't want to sleep. I need to stay awake, I'm not satisfied yet to be awake, I must stay awake.

Hmm..do I need help?

Mon, welcome to the blogging community, where information democracy is at its best. Thank you for answering my call to start blogging, may more of my "few friends" join this community. I have added your link to my blog...;-)

Addicted

I just realize that I am addicted to the Internet. During this long weekend, none of my friends are online. There are no post in my eGroup too. I happen to know that I'm addicted when I found out that I miss chatting with my YM friends terribly, thus I keep on logging to the Internet every other hour just in case somebody is online or there is a new post in the eGroup. This is a very good reason for me to buy a new book, I must stop this insanity.

In other news, my brother bought "The Very Best of Sheryl Crow". Such a great album, it brings back the nostalgia to listen to the songs that I really enjoyed listening to back in 1997/98...those haunting black episodes of my life...