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I did as planned yesterday. I went to the city with Adi. I bought so many groceries that I had to take a cab home. When I got home, I met Zariq. He asked what's with me an Billy cause I send him a text message the night before that I want to talk. I told him my side of the story. He offered to talk to Billy on my behalf but I'd rather settle my argument with Billy myself. Zariq said it is common in my village that housemates had arguments; his neighbours even started punching each other last semester. So he advised me to settle things quickly. But I don't think I can talk to Billy this week...or next week. I'm still angry and can't understand why he acted like a jerk. But I have to admit I over reacted over such a trivial thing, I should have gone to other unit to see Simpons. But it's not about me being unable to see Simpsons, it's about being surprised by some one who you least expected to be such an asshole.

Aku still tak paham awat dia tak suka aku tengok Simpsons. Kalau dia nak tengok news, sebelum Simpsons ada news, between Simpsons ada news and lepas Simspons ada news. Tapi awat dia nak halang aku tengok TV dan dia dok kata tak elok tengok TV banyak. Awat dia sibuk sangat nak jaga tepi kain org? Ataupun dia takut aku tengok TV nanti dia rugi sbb bil elektrik naik? Aku tak paham...aku tak paham...

Anyway, enough about Billy. Now I'm going to tell you about a dinosaur that stepped on a comb (dinosaur pijak sikat). In the parcel that my mom sent me, my sis put a little dinosaur that will expand to 600% of it's original size if it is put in water. She bought the dinosaur during dinosaur exhbition in the state museum. My sis just love museums...her ambition was to be a museum curator but somehow or another she turned out to be an accountant...hmmm. I put the dinosaur on my bedside table. Last night, I woke up from my sleep to go to the loo and when I switched on the light I saw the dinosaur's front legs was on my comb. I must had put it that way in the dark when I knocked it of the bedside table just before I slept. Then I said to myself, "Hmm...dinosaur pijak sikat."

I suddenly realized that how poetic the phrase is. In my 26 years of life I've never even think to write a phrase like that. What is the probability for us to see a dinosaur step on a comb or even think to write down a the phrase 'A dinosaur step on a comb'? So I decided last night to immortalize the phrase on my blog which I just did ;p

Today I'm going to buy my groceries. I will buy so much that I can't even carry it that I'll have to take a cab. I will stuff the fridge with food. I'll buy ice cream, chocolates and cakes and all the food that I used to avoid because of their high sugar content. Then when I got back I'll sleep. Then I start writing my assignment. I won't give a damn anymore to impress Stephen Viller for the sake of good marks. I hate being a perfectionist.

And I've decided to move to Uni. Billy can have the whole house to himself. No one will eat his food anymore. And when he feels lazy to cook he can't eat the horrible food that I cook. He has to cook for himself. He is a worse cook than I am. He can piss all over the toilet floor and nobody will care. He can turn the house into a pigsty and invite pigs and rats to live with him.

I'm still angry and wonder why Billy feels so irritated when I see Simpsons. Why he must see the news during Simpsons when he can see the news just before Simpsons or during Neighbours? Why must he invades my personal zone? Why suddenly he feels that I see to much TV thus he needs to stop me because he also pay the rent? I just started my Simpsons marathon during Ramadan. And before this I spent most of the time at Uni. Just recently I started to have dinner at home cause I need to break my fast. And I'm not so happy to break fast alone. So I break my fast with the Simpons family. Why suddenly he feels that I never let him watch TV? For God sake...I spent most of my time at Uni! Fuck him...he should just fuck his own asshole!

Caution: This entry uses language that may offend some people, especially during Ramadan.

I had a fight with Billy.

Since the start of Ramadan I always break my fast while watching 'The Simpsons' which starts at six; the same time as break fasting time. After that 'neighbor's' will be on air for half an hour before another one or two series of 'All Time Greatest Simpsons'. So starting from 6 to 6.30 and continued at 7 everyday during the Ramadan I sat in front of the idiot box. I considered that time and space to be MY ZONE...

Somehow or another, it seems to me, Billy got really irritated when I saw Simpsons. He accused me of watching TV too much and never let him have a chance to watch at all. He said I watch TV all day long! He said he also pay the rent so I cannot watch TV all day long. So during the Simpsons he always wanted to see the news which is strange to me because before he never really so serious at seeing the news, well in fact, he never see the news! He didn't even understand what the newscaster said thus he had to ask me everytime! What the fuck! One word to describe his attitude...DENGKI. And he didn't respected what I consider to be MY ZONE maybe because living in Hong Kong with 8-12 people in a house he didn't had any PERSONAL ZONE thus he has no respect for MY ZONE...

I got very angry and slammed the door. Now I'm at Uni and probably I'm going to sleep here tonite. Not probably...definitely! I've been text messaging Billy saying bad things about him which I didn't really mean cause I want to make him angry. He replied and we had our argument via text messaging. Here a summary of our argument as I remembered it because I deleted all his sms:

Billy: You always count what you do. You have low EQ if you know what EQ is, I'd rather live with pigs and rats. You are strange. I'll move out next semester and pity the guy who move in after me. Pay me back my money. You eat my food. I pity her who become your wife. Your cooking taste horrible. This is a waste of my time and money.

abHan: You're a fucker, sucker and an asshole. EQ = emotional quotion, do u think I'm stupid? Oh I know you're the smartest arsehole in the whole universe. I purposely count what I do cause you always care about money (berkira sangat tentang duit). You always wanna eat what I cook. You're a dirty person, better go live in a pigsty. You never clean the toilet, your piss is all over the floor. You're stingy and always ask for money if I eat your food. When you asked for my food I'll give cause I feel pity for those who begs and hungry. I have never had housemates as stingy as you. (serious, masa dgn Faiz, Norm and Pakkoq kami tak pernah berkira ttg makan. So aku tak berkirala sgt dgn Billy. Tatau pulak dia nak berkira ttg makan!) You owe me money too.


Now I feel so stupid. It's my fault, I know. I should not feel so angry. But on the other hand, why is he seems to be so envy when I see Simpsons. Why he started to care that I see too much TV? Why he suddenly has a need to see the news when before he don't seems to care even to switch on the TV?

I guess this is what happened when I live alone for so long. I think the reason I like to be alone is because people always make me angry. I know it's also my fault. I know I must apologize but not now. Now I'm still angry. I'm thinking of buying my own TV. Or maybe I should break fast at Adi's house because his housemate Kosi likes to watch Simpsons too. I'm also considering to rent on my own. I just wanna be alone.

Someone commented that I’ve started word of the day in my blog when I described about kiasu yesterday. Well, that was not actually what I wanted to do, I just couldn’t finish the entry because I needed to go home for sahur. I was so damn hungry.

Recently a friend of mine described me as ‘answer schemes for exam papers’. And Billy said that I’m so kiasu, which is in a way true. For my interaction design assignment, we were required to design collaborative design process and presented our findings on a poster. Then the lecturers will chose a number of posters to be presented during Interactive Exhibition, which was held last Tuesday. I wanted so much for our poster to be selected. Lin didn’t really care and he was quite sure our poster would not be chosen. But, it was displayed during the exhibition. Lin was so surprise when he saw it but I was so excited.

Now I realize that whether or not our poster got selected is not such a big deal. It is true what Billy said. I’m so damn kiasu. I don’t know how I got this attitude. I always want to get good marks. I always want to be the best. I aim for the highest. I’m a fucking perfectionist who worried so much if I don’t get what I want. I wish I were not so kiasu. Sometimes nothing is good enough for me. Maybe it all started after my failure in Petronas. I don’t know. I wish I had a life.

Mon’s recent news made me think about my life. For the past 5 years all I care about is study hard and get good marks. I must loose up a little. I’m too old to worry about grades! What we learn from the process is more important than the outcomes!

According to Pauline, ‘kiasu’ is Hokkien which means ‘afraid to lose’. If a person with kiasu attitude see a long queue of people, he or she will want to be in that line also, afraid of not getting whatever those queuing people waiting for. That is kiasu as described by Pauline. Okay more about kiasu tomorrow. Need to go home for sahur, I’m damn hungry.

I read Ain’s blog about the weather in Sydney. The highest temperature there nowadays goes as high as 40 degree Celsius. God! I don’t know how I can stand that temperature. Here in Ipswich the highest temperature two days ago was 36 degree and I just couldn’t stand it. My skin is all dry and itchy. But dry skin is okay compared to flies that keep on hovering around people to get moisture.

Today, the temperature is 20.8 degree, a change which is all too sudden for me. In Malaysia, I never experience extreme change of weather within just two days. And I feel like hell now. I told my friends in my eGroup that Malaysia’s climate is heaven on earth. Although we experience hot weather, but the air is not as dry.

The reason I make an entry to this blog now is suddenly it rains. I’m stuck here in the masters room. Well, at least, the air is no longer dry. But I can’t go back home to cook and break my fast! Hope the rain stops soon…

Now that I feel terribly lonely and got no one to talk to, I’ve decided to talk to my blog. It’s much like talking to my cat, who is a good listener but never utter a single reply. But when I come to think of it, Bibuk sometimes get annoyed when I talked right in front of her face so she slapped me or just left. Maybe she’s not a good listener after all, that crazy cat! Anyway, she seemed to enjoy it when I read her picture books…hmm…I miss Bibuk. She got fleece recently, and my sis had to bring her to the vet. Sorry sis to trouble you with that useless heap of fur…

Now what should I talk about. I’m here in the master’s room at 10.15 pm with the intention of doing my assignment. But I don’t know whether I can get it done tonight. I’m not in the mood. I need motivation.

I break my fast today with Adi, my neighbour from Indonesia. We usually converse in both Bahasa Melayu and English. Adi is quite fluent in his Bahasa Melayu since he studied Bahasa before because he planned to study in UKM. Mind that Bahasa Melayu is not the same as Bahasa Indonesia. Recently, I saw an Indonesian movie on DVD with Adi and I was surprised that I couldn’t understand the language. When I was a little boy, my mom loved to watch Indonesian movies but I had no problems in understanding the language. According to Adi, the language that was spoken in the movie is Indonesian with Jakarta slang which is way much different from formal Bahasa Indonesia. And from my observation, it was easy for me to understand what was spoken by older actor or actress in the movie compared to the younger ones. According to Adi, that is because the older generation in Indonesia has stronger Malay influence and they are more patriotic thus they take pride in speaking the official Bahasa Indonesia. No wonder I can’t understand the movie…the language they used in that movie doesn’t have the beautiful and exotic intonation of Indonesian language I used to hear when I was young…

How about Malaysian? What language does Malaysian speak? English. Yes, Malaysian speaks English. Adi had been in KL and he was surprised that people talk in English. What can I say I to him? Even I use English when I speak to my fellow Malaysians here. Although it is shameful, I have to admit that we take no pride in our national identity. From my observation, when two people from Hong Kong in my village talk, I never heard them utter a single English word. But we Malaysian, always mix English with Malay language.

So when I met Zariq recently, I promised myself that this time I’m going to talk entirely in Bahasa Melayu. When I started to speak, a notion come to my mind that he might not understand my northern accent. I’ve never been good at using the southern accent and I sounded funny. So I decided to speak in ‘bahasa surat’ (the formal Malay language) and not using any ‘bahasa pasar’. The result of that was I sounded funny and I lost for words. I ended up using ‘bahasa rojak’ which is worst than ‘bahasa pasar’.

Now, I come to the conclusion that I’m not good at speaking either in English or in Malay not because I have bad command of the language, but simply because I’m not good at talking with people. At the end of the day, all that I can do is talk to this blog. If my cat is here, I would surely read her a picture book now…

Last night, I stayed at the studio to do my 3D Modelling assignment. I did every single 3D buttons for my 3D electronic dictionary. I saved the new version and named it ‘dictionary7’ in my home drive. I went home at about 2 o’clock in the morning. Now, in the practical session, I can’t find ‘dictionary7’ file. I spent 1 hour just now trying to find the file and thinking of what to do next while lamenting my bad luck. Probably, I have to do the little 3D buttons all over again.

My mom and sis sent me a parcel of dried food for Ramadhan. It’s good to receive a parcel; it reminds me of my boarding school days. But I had to pick it up at the post office, which is not the one in the city. Billy said I can go to the post office which in my point of view, is in a middle of nowhere by bus. I was not going to take public transportation to nowhere and carry 5kg of a brown paper package tied up with string all the way back home! That is not one of my favourite things to do! Thanks to Lin, he drove me to the post office where I can pick up my parcel. I will ask mom and sis not to send me anything again!

There was ‘kelantan’s keropok ikan’ inside and I gave one packet to Zariq. He looked quite stressed when I saw him last night. Maybe he just woke up.

After this, I got another group meeting for a presentation on Monday. Sigh!...I need coffee…

Lately I’ve been feeling sad. I think I’ve made a wrong decision about being a tutor. I definitely don’t have a life here. Here is a list of all the things that I don’t have:

1. Life
2. Car
3. Enough money…hmm…nope I don’t wanna be ungrateful
4. Someone to talk to

Gee…I thought the list will be a long one. Maybe I’m just exaggerating the situation. So I think it would be better if I thoroughly analyse the situation. First of all, I miss home. Well not home to be exact, I miss Malaysia environment. Since I was 13, I have been away from home, so living on my own is not a problem for me. When I was in Shah Alam, I don’t feel homesick that much because I was able to do things that I like to do. For example, I had a car and I could go anywhere I wanted to and I could swim everyday. And every once in a while I could eat in a fancy restaurant alone or browse for hours in a bookstore.

But now, I don’t have a car. There’s no ‘proper’ swimming pool nearby. Fancy restaurant? Too expensive and haram. I have to cook. No more Azira Seksyen 10 or Soto Seksyen 8. No more laundry service. It’s hot and dry like hell now and there’s bushfire everywhere.

But what if work at DRB-Hicom? Definitely the position is more glamour than tutor. Although I don’t think I will get enough income, because money will never be enough, I will have more than what I have as a student. But will I be happy? I will never know. Maybe I will not be happy either.

Now, I live on a meagre salary, and if compared to my friends who are on the same scholarship but study in Malaysia, their purchasing power is higher than mine and they have more. Most of the international students here come from rich families. Thus when people heard that I get a scholarship they really think I’m luckier and richer. Only the International Student Advisor knows that sponsored student like me is ‘pokai’. But yeah…sure, I must not complaint and be grateful with what I have. Besides I don’t have to pay a cent for my tuition fees. That’s a big relief. I will have a job waiting for me when I got home. And when I got back to Malaysia, I will be happy and have a better life…but the question is why can’t I be happy now?

Okay enough about money. It’s not like I live in hunger here. I live in a very good town-house with a ‘sekangkang kera’ swimming pool. Besides I feel guilty complaining about money. So the problem that makes me feel sad now is not money. I just blame money to distract me from the real problem. What is the real problem? Maybe I’m just exaggerating the situation.

For my assignment, I have to conduct a collborative design. So my group member Jack Carpenter has setup a blog for us to post designs for wearable technology. But the collaborative design will not be successful if we got no input from others.

So I hope the readers of this blog can help me to give comments to Jack's Blog at:

Jack Carpenter's Collaborative Design Blog

I hope at least to get comments from Mon and Sevven...as far as I know you guys are loyal visitors to my blog...(or maybe the only frequent visitors ?) LOL. Anyway thank you in advance for those who are willing to help.

p/s: nak kutuk design2 yg ada kat blog jack tu pun tak apa sbb design2 yg ada kat situ memang mereng...

photos from movieworld can be access at:

http://abhan.fotopages.com

The break is over. Class will start tomorrow but I'm still not in the mood to do anything. Finished reading 'The Way Forward' by Tun Dr Mahathir Mohamad. If anyone ever question me again about bumiputera's special right I'll just ask them to read the book. Anyway, I'm sick of explaining the same thing over and over again.

I also read 'My Dog', a very beautiful and sad picture book written by John Heffernan and illustrated by Andrew Mclean. It is a story about the war in Bosnia. I really cried in the library when I read that book. I borrowed the book and I cried again when I read it at home. It's amazing that words can change the way people feel. The book was awarded as 'honour book' by The Children's Book Council of Australia. I read the newspaper the other day that the book cause so much controversy when it was released. I really recommended this book.

I went to Movieworld on Thursday with Pauline and Yuan Hua. Just love the place and will go again. I’ll be posting the photos soon.

Anyway, now I feel depressed. I need to have my haircut but so depressed to go to Ipswich Central. I want to eat real food, if only I can just ‘tebalkan muka’ and asked Zariq to cook chicken rice again…